If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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