4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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