they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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