you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
