Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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