Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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