Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
