things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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