No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
