Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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