So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
