im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I cut my penus on the lid.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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