The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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