He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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