i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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