I will die if light touches me.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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