3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
