what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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