So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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