if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
