Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
