hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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