Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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