I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
