My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
