Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
