It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So many bounce houses so little time
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
