I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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