I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
