I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
