Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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