Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
