she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
