I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
