You made me cry and you don't even care
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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