we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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