I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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