I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm getting married
To pizza
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
