sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
