The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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