So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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