she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
