I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
