We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
