he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
