I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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