I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
