just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
We smell like vodka and hangover
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