I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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