I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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