I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
