We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
