I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
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