my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
