I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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