She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
