you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
