Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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