We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
