its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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